The first time I noticed that Red Alert 3 was on its way out was when I caught Hasselhoff shilling it in an online ad. Ad contents aside, it speaks very clearly of a game’s intentions when it aligns with such a man, especially when he has his head cocked to one side, slack jawed, smiling and cradling the game case like a face massager. Having the Hoff under your masthead is in fact tantamount to saying: “Yes I’m the fat kid, I acknowledge that, but rather than dieting, I’m just going to take the piss out of myself.”
It’s a beguiling tactic, and it works well. The opening sequences are pure camp, with Rocky Horror himself Tim Curry heaving twenty kilos of extra method actor around in an ill fitting suit. Alongside him is of course a busty model whose suit fits badly in a slightly more pleasing manner. By pairing Curry with other heard-ofs like George Takei, Jenny McCarthy and J.K. Simmons, Red Alert 3 truly makes good on its pledge to be the biggest B-Grade actor cash cow since Wing Commander 3.
Of course, FMV is nothing new to the Command and Conquer series, which for the uninitiated, is one of the top tiers of real time strategy alongside Blizzard’s “-craft” series. Since the original alternate-history loving Red Alert came out, the emphasis has always been on a B-movie atmosphere, but never to this extent.
Wanting to get up to date with the latest changes to the series, I headed into the tutorial to find that the humour was still intact on the field, with a British, Russian and a Japanese tank doing some sort of bizarre intercontinental mecha-Marx brothers routine. It’s here that you discover the new gameplay features like Co op commanders, special units and commander abilities.
The co op commander notion might be familiar to those who have played Advance Wars 2 on the DS. For the purposes of the review, I chose to play solo, but the structure of RA3 is that there is always a secondary commander on your side. Unlike Advance Wars, your ally is actually worth a damn in most battles, in spite of only having four commands: Occupy position, attack position, plan attack and take command. Plan attack is particularly useful, as the AI does a pretty reasonable job of shoring up the right amount of forces to win, then attacking when ready.
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While not going quite so far down the “paper-rock-scissors” balance path as Universe at War: Earth Assault, RA3 continues in the series’ tradition of creating solidly different factions. This time around, the Allies’ main strength is in their air force, with a number of quirky comic weapons like shrink and freeze rays. The Soviets, unlike the previous instalment, are a lot stronger in the water this time, with a large proportion of amphibious units. Notable in that number is the troop carrying “bullfrog”, which contains a “man cannon” that allows paratrooper assaults from almost two screens away.
The new Japanese faction is an unashamed nod to pop culture. That much is clear from the Gundam style transforming units and lightsaber wielding samurai ground troops, but few would have expected the faction’s special trooper to be a schoolgirl with psychic powers. And that few are probably googling Hentai rather than reading this.
Other stylistic leaps have occurred in the graphics. Playing at the highest settings and resolution reveals stunning water, fire and lighting effects, which I had plenty of time to admire with the slide show frame rate my 128meg GPU was able to render. It also should be noted that it’s impossible to tweak the settings during play, you’ll have to quit to the main menu to do that.
Amongst all these pretty effects, it can sometimes be disconcerting
to realise that your troops are just as dumb as ever, still getting caught on impassable cliffs and barriers. Still not returning fire on the way to a point unless you’ve specified the action. Back in the original, there was lots of praise for being able to chain commands together, but years later you’ll still stacking the commands like punch cards and wondering why they haven’t thought of a better way yet.
Unfortunately, if you’re waiting for the big gameplay twist that really sets this game apart from the rest, it isn’t coming. What we’ve got is a high definition, high budget, tinsel filled version of the last few games that ads more than enough for fans of the series, but will once again fail to convert the non believers. I also shouldn’t finish the review without revealing that the Allies’ campaign finishes with a surprising cameo, to say the least. Figured out who?
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