Welcome to the BigPond GameArena review of Battlefield 2142. Apologies in advance to anyone who hasn't seen 'Entourage' (where have you been!?). Just play along and nobody will get hurt.

EXTERIOR: Games store on Sunset Boulevard. A long queue of (mainly male) gamers are lined up down the block.

ERIC, JOHNNY DRAMA, TURTLE and VINCE CHASE pull up in a silver Maserati and make for the head of the line. A few gamers recognise movie star Vince and start forward, only to remember their spot in the queue and halt themselves.

TURTLE: So why is it that we are jumping the queue THIS time, Vince? What happened to your love of the common man, huh?

VINCE: I only do that for fashion items like shoes, not video games, Turtle. Anyway, can someone remind me what we're doing here?

TURTLE: We're here to pick up Battlefield 2142 Vince! Like I told you on the ride over, it's gonna blow up, kid!

DRAMA: I remember when Battlefield Vietnam was in development. I turned down a voice acting role. It reminded me too much of my spot in "Platoon".

ERIC: Didn't you audition for the part and you were told you sounded too old, Drama?

DRAMA: Actually E, you're wrong. EA considered a script rewrite but my busy schedule didn't permit it... anyway Vince, to answer your question properly, everyone knows that you need to buy Battlefield games as soon as they come out, to give you that competitive advantage over latecomers. Persistent scoring will do that.

VINCE: Okay, but if you smash your computer after the game crashes to desktop for no reason - I'm not paying for it this time.

DRAMA: Geez bro, lighten up - I told you all before, I tripped.

TURTLE: Tripped out more like it - Drama smashed his PC after someone noob tubed him once too often on Karkland, not because it was crashing all the time.

ERIC: Well don't trip now guys - the doors are opening.

EVERYONE SURGES INTO THE STORE.

INTERIOR. Complete chaos - people everywhere. TURTLE makes his way through the throng, a handful of BATTLEFIELD 2142 boxes held above his head. ERIC, DRAMA and VINCE are checking out game boxes

VINCE (picking up a box): Can you believe anyone would actually buy a game about the Playboy mansion!?

DRAMA: Well actually Vince, it's a sophisticated piece of tycoon management software, not some sordid 'nudie' game.

ERIC: Yeah right Drama, and that beach volleyball game you play on Xbox with the bikini girls in it... that's a sports simulator, right?

TURTLE (joining the boys): All done, let's get out of this zoo.

The boys battle the throng to get to the door, where they're stopped by a GAMER

GAMER: HOLY (CENSORED), IT'S VINCENT CHASE! AQUAMAN!

VINCE: Yep, that's me.

GAMER: Awesome! Dude I didn't know you played Battlefield games! What's your nickname ?

VINCE: Er, um, Turtle... translation?

TURTLE: Hey kid, Vince doesn't play Battlefield

GAMER (losing interest): Oh, right. Then get out of my way, (think: word for female dog), you're between me and Battlefield 2142!

VINCE to TURTLE: Your people.

EXTERIOR: The driveway to Vince's palatial Hollywood home. Camera follows ARI GOLD, SUPER AGENT as he exits his car and strides through the wide open door.

INSIDE: TURTLE and DRAMA are playing BATTLEFIELD 2142 with PCs set up on a bench - there's three spare PCs beside theirs.

ARI: Good afternoon children, where's my boy Vinny?

DRAMA (not looking from his screen): I have access to that information - but can only reveal it to you after you join us on the battlefield.

ARI: Drama, I don't have the time to be (CENSORED)ing around - where is he?

DRAMA (Gesturing towards an empty PC): That's my first and last offer Ari. Take it or leave it.

TURTLE: That's his serious voice Ari, I think he means business.

ARI (Sitting at the PC): Have it your way, morons. What's with the massive LCD screens? Did Vince pay for all this?

TURTLE: Nah, we got hooked up by a games company trying to tap Vince's "popular appeal" - it's a common ploy.

DRAMA: Size mattters in gaming. You need a 21 inch LCD to play BF2142 at its best, Ari. 17" or 19" LCD screens have a native resolution of 1280 x 1024 - which the game doesn't currently support. You can still play with them, but you're not getting the best possible image quality.

TURTLE: Yeah, but in the long run it’s no sweat - the developer will patch the game and support those screens-

DRAMA: Resolutions.

TURTLE: ....resolutions like they did last time.

ARI: So you're telling me this was a problem a couple of years ago, then it was fixed, and yet in this new game... it's a problem again.

DRAMA: Not so much a problem as an 'undocumented feature'.

TURTLE: Yeah, don't stress it Ari, if you want to play on a broke ass 19" LCD instead of a tight 21" it's your own fault.

DRAMA: Or you could use a CRT monitor. Either way, it's not nearly annoying as the red name bug.

ARI (speaking slowly): Drama. You - are - speaking - a - foreign - language - to - me. What is the 'red name bug'? Something you catch from Thailand?

DRAMA: Oh, that's where your teammates sometimes show up as enemies. So when you kill them, you get penalised.

ARI: For killing someone who looks like an enemy?

TURTLE: Yup.

ARI: When they're on your team?

TURTLE: That's it!

ARI: So how long did they take to fix it in the last game?

TURTLE + DRAMA: They didn't.

ARI: Is it a problem in this game?

DRAMA: Don't know yet - maybe if my machine stopped crashing every time, I could tell you.

TURTLE (shrugging): It doesn't crash for me.

ARI: So the game crashes as well?

TURTLE (airly): Not for everyone - don't worry, they will patch it.

ARI (laughing): Fine. Whatever. Okay, I am now sitting here with you two Olsen twins, what exactly do I do?

DRAMA: Well we're in Titan mode, so our objective is to take out that massive red floating thing in the distance. You use your mouse to aim your gun...

ARI (waving impatiently): Okay, okay, I've played Quake in my youth, I think I understand how a first person shooter works. What's this class selection thing?

TURTLE: That's where you pick what kind of soldier you'll be. In the old Battlefield 2, you had a whole heap of classes to choose from, Sniper, Medic, Assault, Engineer, Special Ops and more. BF2142 combines these classes down to four - Recon, Assault, Engineer and Support. You can "unlock" weapons, equipment and even skills by playing and performing online - the game keeps track of everything you do!

ARI: Okay, so Big Brother is watching me play, is that it?

TURTLE: Not quite - but by messing around with different unlocks you can effectively create the ideal warrior you want to be-

Turtle's speech is cut short as DRAMA smashes his fist into his keyboard, shattering it into dozens of pieces.

DRAMA: GOD DAMN. NOT AGAIN!

ARI: I know Drama is a psycho, but why did he just do that?

DRAMA pulls a new keyboard from under the desk and plugs it in

DRAMA: This is the third time in ten minutes the game has crashed!

TURTLE: Did you make sure you disabled that Windows protection thing like I told you?

DRAMA: The one that leaves your PC vulnerable to attacks? Sure pal, I want every sweaty geek from Encino to Finland hacking my PC.

TURTLE: Nah, it's nothing like that. That was just a misunderstanding. Try this out - it works: http://support.microsoft.com/kb/924867/

ARI: So this game doesn't work unless you mess with your computer's security? Sounds awesome.

TURTLE (exasperated): No... you just have to know where to look to et the right information. Anyway, it could be that Drama's done something to his computer that is stoppng the in game advertising from working.

ARI: The in-game advertising? So you're telling me that this game sends me ads?

TURTLE: Kinda...yeah.

ARI: Is that even legal?

DRAMA: The game includes a thing we call a EULA, Ari. By installing the game you agree to allow the ads to be sent to your pc, as well as information to be sent from your PC to Electronic Arts.

ARI: Why?

TURTLE: Ours is not to reason why, Ari. Who cares? It's only game specific information, apparently. Hell, I don't care, people can check out everything I've got. If someone wants to see all the porn sites I've been visiting and all the music I've downloaded, I couldn't care less. Anyway Drama, if its not the advertising, it could be a punkbuster problem.

ARI: "Punkbuster"? Dare I ask what "Punkbuster" is?

TURTLE: Punkbuster is software that prevents players from cheating.

DRAMA: Yeah, it's kind of a guarantee that you're legit, so you cant ruin the playing experience for everyone by cheating.

ARI: Why would it crash Drama's PC, Turtle?

TURTLE: I'm not sure it did, but I do know some people have been having difficulties playing because of it.

ARI: Wouldn't not being able to play also "ruin the playing experience"?

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